


All The Things She Said

by itslevih0esa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Love, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Get Together, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29662395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itslevih0esa/pseuds/itslevih0esa
Summary: Marlene discovers something important about herself during the winter break and is forced to face unwanted feelings when she returns to Hogwarts. Regardless, she had to get rid of these feelings. The only problem was that she didn't know how to do it.
Relationships: Marlene McKinnon & James Potter, Marlene McKinnon & Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Mary Macdonald & Marlene McKinnon & Dorcas Meadowes & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> 1- We do not support J.K Rowling here. This is a safe space for everyone. 
> 
> 2- English is not my native language. Please keep this in mind as you read. I have written fanfiction before, but all of what I wrote was in my language. Although I have translated fanfictions from English to my native language several times, I have never written in English, but I really wanted to give it a try. 
> 
> 3- I hope you enjoy!

“You’re sure you’ve got everything, right?”, Marlene nodded her head, but her mom didn’t even notice, “Before I left the home, I left the money you would spend on the train on the dinner table, did you pick it?” Mrs. McKinnon was nervous, as always.

Marlene rolled her eyes. “You keep asking me the same things! I told you then, I took it and forgot nothing. Would you relax a slight? “Although she sounds confident, she checked the pocket of her coat once more without allowing her mother to notice.

“Darling-”, not listening to her dad and mother interview, her eyes searched for her friends at the crowded train station.

In the year she had started Hogwarts and in her second year, she had not been thrilled to be at school all the time. As time passed, the situation was changed and by the end of the 3rd year, even the winter holidays felt too long. Yes, she missed her family, but by the end of her first week at home, things often felt wrong. It felt weird to disrupt the normal order of things. She missed her friends, the time they spent in their dorm room, and training with her teammates.

“Oi, McKinnon!” She looked for the owner of the voice calling her name. Ali Merchant, 7th year playing in the same position as herself. Moving away from her parents, she turned to the boy who was walking towards her."You alright?"

“Yeah, great thanks. You?”

She didn’t expect Ali to be the first person to speak to her on the platform. They didn’t have a strong enough bond for her to think about him, anyway. They did not properly chat unless it was about practice or the match.

“Alright! Are you still on the team? I mean- “Ali turned his gaze towards Marlene’s right leg. “After the accident. How do you feel?” He asked. To show that she was fine, Marlene moved her leg.

“Of course, I’m still on the team. My leg is better than ever and I can’t wait to play quidditch.” Marlene raised her eyebrow at the boy and continued with a sardonic attitude.

“-Are you jealous that I’m going to continue to get more attention than you?” Ali sent her a _you-can’t-be-serious_ kind of look.

“You only ask this because you don’t know how pleased I am to be on the same team as you.” Well... this was not the answer she had expected. She also didn’t expect him to blush after saying that, nor the flirty smile he had on his face.

She wasn’t stupid or too blind to notice the meaning of Ali’s look.

Ali was a nice guy besides the fact that he was very nice-looking as well. He was humorous, cool, and beloved. She had heard the school talking about him before, in the common room, the Great Hall, during lessons... There were many people who found him attractive, but Marlene was not one of them. It wasn’t about Ali; it was about herself.

Maybe she couldn’t tell when this had started, but she knew exactly when she had figured out the situation.

One thing she had done this holiday was to go to the nearby Muggle neighborhood while her parents were busy with the stuff she didn’t really care about. Marlene liked to sit and spend time in the little park there.

She hung out alone for about two days. She sat there reading books, thinking, and watching people. Later, someone started coming to the park, like her. Rosa _._

_Sweet Rosa ..._

She came to the park before Marlene and toured the small park with her skates over and over. Rosa came there to ice skate on the frozen pond in the middle of the park. Winter was harsher than usual, but for the first time, Marlene was thankful that it was cold enough to freeze the lake. She seemed to dance while skating on her skates. While watching her, Marlene could swear that the wind was a paid actor accompanying her.

Not long after, Rosa had taken the first step of their ‘friendship’. Marlene was no longer spending these hours of the day alone in the park. Hours she spent with Rosa got longer. Together they visited other places in the vicinity. When Rosa asked her how she didn’t know the places they were hanging out in, Marlene lied and pretended that she had just moved there.

The more time they spent together, the closer they became. Maybe even too close.

One evening Rosa told Marlene that she would leave England soon. They were moving somewhere else. Marlene said she would miss her. Rosa said the same. Marlene gripped her hand that was lying next to her pale hand. They said nothing for a while and sat in silence. She then felt Rosa’s fingers in her hair. Her heart beat faster, her breathing quickened. Rosa gently tucked her hair behind her ear. Marlene turned her face towards Rosa’s pretty one and felt her soft lips on hers before she could grasp what was happening.

Marlene had kissed someone before. A boy. She had felt something was wrong even then, but she hadn’t really thought about it. Something was missing in the kiss. It was insensitive, meaningless.

But everything was different when she kissed Rosa. She could understand why her friends had exaggerated the whole kissing thing. Although they were having a sad moment, Marlene had forgotten everything for a moment and just focused on the amount of joy the kiss brought her.

“Thank you,” Marlene whispered. Rosa looked at her in confusion.

“Thank you for what, silly?”

That’s when she understood. The problem was not kisses or relationships, but men. Marlene was not attracted to men.

The problem was not Ali. It was her.

She tried to preserve the humorous attitude she had just taken. “Thanks, mate! I am very glad to be on the same team as you too.”

_Mate?!? Was that the best you could come up with, Marlene?_

Maybe it wasn’t natural to say ‘mate.’ Well, it wasn’t a decent answer at all, but at that moment she didn’t know what else to say!

While watching Ali’s slowly changing facial expression, she wished someone would save her from this situation. Neither said anything for a short while. Ali nervously ran his hand through his hair while he had an awkward smile on his face.

“Erm.. see you in the Great Hall then?”

He nodded in agreement, and, turning in the opposite direction, sped forward. Marlene could hear him cursing his breath. She felt bad for him.

She stopped looking for her friends on the crowded platform and brought her attention back to her parents, listened to them repeating the same stuff until she heard the last whistle of the train before departure. She then said goodbye to them, got on the train without wasting time, and walked through to their usual compartment.

***

“Oh, is Lily at prefect meeting or something?” Marlene asked.

“Yeah. I don’t know what all the rush is about though, we just got back to school. She couldn’t even sit with us for a minute.” Dorcas responded.

She was sitting opposite Marlene.

When the winter holiday had started, Marlene had felt strangely relaxed, because she had been more confused than in the past years since the beginning of the sixth year about her feelings. When she came back to school after summer, Dorcas was the same, Dorcas. She somehow seemed more mature. _Yeah, ‘mature’ sounds right._ Well, she has always looked more mature than the rest of them, but this year she was... different. Her cheekbones were more prominent and her face was thinner. She had also lost the last childish features she had. But the remarkable look in her eyes, charming smile, and attitude were the same.

Another thing that remained the same was the feeling she had when Dorcas looked at her for a long-drawn time or gave a genuine smile.

Dorcas differed from the others. Marlene could not recall the exact moment when she had noticed this difference. Maybe 4th year or beginning of the 5th year. At first, she could not understand the reason for this. The reason her heart beat faster when she was closer than normal, the odd joy she felt when Dorcas braided her hair before quidditch training or the ridiculous excitement she felt when talking to her.

Things were clearer now, but Marlene was not brave enough to admit it to herself. She didn’t want to think more about this matter. Everything was fine, there was nothing to worry about. At least that’s what she hoped.

Mary said something to her, but because of her thoughts, Marlene could not understand what she was saying. She laughed, hoping it wouldn’t seem awkward, and checked the other two’s expressions. Dorcas gave her a look she couldn’t name and smirked at her.

 _Merlin’s sake_ , she thought.


	2. It is always easier to run away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the break, the lessons are back in full swing, and Marlene is struggling with school while at the same time not knowing what to do about her feelings.

It was Monday morning, and the dorm was silent - not because it was too early and everyone asleep, but because Marlene woke up late. She hadn’t been able to sleep last night. Maybe because she was little nervous, or had just eaten too much during dinner. She rubbed her eyes to wake up and watched the ceiling until her blurry vision cleared. She blinked a few times to regain consciousness, got up, and glanced at the dorm, although she was sure there was no one but her in the room. After stretching one last time, she hurriedly got up from her bed. Normally, she didn’t like to start the day late, because it felt like she was wasting her time. Sometimes, she could be lazy about other stuff and routines, but lazy mornings are definitely not for her.

When Marlene finished her classic morning routine and left the bathroom, Lily entered the room at the same moment.

“Good morning, Marls! I was coming to wake you up.” She said cheerfully and put the book that lay on her lap on the bedside stand.

“Good morning, am I too late for breakfast? I haven’t checked the time yet.”

“No, I was just a bit early this morning, actually. Because of some stupid prefect stuff. Mary and Dorcas are in the Great Hall.”

“Okay, it’s better for me to go and catch up then.” Before leaving, she placed a light kiss on Lily’s cheek. 

“See you in Potions!”

She picked up her bag with her books, jumped out of the room, and quickly descended the stairs.

When she entered the Great Hall, it was not very difficult to spot her friends at the Gryffindor table. The Great Hall was as loud as always. Different voices could be heard from each table and each group. When she had first started school, it had taken her almost a month to get used to it. Marlene only had a sister five years older than her, and she had moved to her own place about two years ago. The house she had grown up in had never been noisy. Maybe it was even quieter than was considered normal. Although it was difficult to get used to the noise and motion of the school, she missed the noise and crowd every time she returned home. 

Although she only expected to see Mary and Dorcas, the group waiting for her was larger than she expected. James and Dorcas seem to discuss something enthusiastically. While Sirius and Mary were talking, Peter was showing Remus something in the book in front of them.

“There she is, my best beater!” James said loudly. “Good to see you walking properly again.” 

Marlene smiled. “Yeah, for me too.” 

Others stopped what they were doing and gave their attention to Marlene. She had left school a week before the others because of an injury in the last Quidditch game. Although her leg recovered after three days, she did not have to return to school because of the winter holidays.

After talking about the healing process and how each of them had spent their holidays, everyone got back to what they were doing before Marlene had come. As she grabbed a few pieces of toast on her plate, she gave her attention to Dorcas and James. 

_Or just to Dorcas, but whatever, same thing._

James, as she understood it, was asking her about something he saw in one of his ‘muggle studies books. Actually, Marlene couldn’t care less at the moment because she was really hungry. So instead of listening to them or trying to understand, she gave all her attention to the food in front of her. Okay, maybe not all of it. Because Dorcas- 

_Stop! You need to stop because this shit is just getting ridiculous at this point._

Maybe it wasn’t the right time to discover new things about herself. Why had Rosa kissed her? If it hadn’t been for that kiss, maybe she would have been more relaxed now. Anyway, until now, there had been no use in being aware of anything. She could ignore her own feelings for a while and try to understand them later on. 

Instead, she’d noticed that she liked girls, and what had happened? What had she gotten out of it?

At first, all she had felt was a tremendous burden rising from her shoulders. She had felt relieved. The feeling that she felt when her friends talked about boys and any romantic physical interaction with them, or when she kissed a boy, the feeling of ‘something is missing _, I am broken_ ’ eventually made sense. However, this relief had faded slowly. The previous feeling of being ‘corrupt’ came back stronger. Because yes, Marlene, that was the problem. She was not normal. Was it normal to have feelings for her best friend? Marlene was so furious with herself that she ignored this at first; while watching Dorcas on the train, how could she comfortably call ‘this thing’ a ‘little crush’ that she had felt for her for a long time and simplify the situation? Marlene was not like her friends. How many girls did she know in this school who liked girls? 

When Rosa had kissed her everything had felt so.. natural. Everything had felt so right, but now she couldn’t even see the good side of it.

She felt sick. 

“Marlene, are you okay?” Dorcas asked. 

“I- yes, I’m okay.” She pushed the plate away in front of her.

“But you don’t look like you are.” 

“Everything is fine.”

“Maybe you should visit Madam Pomfrey. Actually, it will be better if I come with you.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Y-” Dorcas tried to resist, but Marlene interrupted her.

“Dorcas, I said ‘I’m fine'.” She couldn’t stop her voice from getting a little harsh unintentionally. 

“If you say so,” she mumbled.

“Sorry-" Marlene tried to apologise after noticing the unnecessary attitude she made.

“Nothing to apologize for.” Dorcas said, waving her hand as if saying ‘it doesn’t matter’.

***

No matter how short or long the break had been, it was tiring to start classes after a certain period. Since the first day, the professors had already given them a lot of homework. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her first day in the library, in fact, all she wanted was to get in her warm and soft bed and sleep for hours. Aside from it being the first day back, Monday was the busiest day of the week - and she was already done with Mondays. She sighed loudly and completed the sentence she had left halfway.

When she had finished half of her astronomy homework, she handed the paper to Lily.

“Lils, can you check the last part for me?” She reached across the sheet and pointed to the last paragraph.

While Lily read the part she had shown, Marlene put her hand under her chin and her eyes passed through the library. Apart from them, there were few people in the library. At the next table, a Hufflepuff student she did not recognize was studying on his own. There was another group of friends in the library, as far as the bookshelves let her see. Some of them had fallen asleep on the books in front of them.

“Well, I don’t see any problem with the last paragraph. Would you like me to check it all?” 

“That would be amazing.” 

Lily pushed aside the scattered books and papers before her and began to scrutinize the paper.

She said she didn’t find any problems with the assignment as she soon finished her review and handed the paper back to Marlene.

“I’m done. I’ll head up to the dorm.” Mary spoke while grabbing her stuff.

“I think that’s enough for today, there isn’t much left, anyway.” They both muttered in agreement.

Their steps were sluggish as they made their way toward the Gryffindor tower. Apparently, Marlene wasn’t the only one who had had a gruelling day.

As she walked absentmindedly, she turned her head to the right, when some person’s hands wrapped around her arm. It was Dorcas. Marlene’s gaze swept over her friend for a short while. She looked at Marlene as she felt the girl’s eyes on her. The corners of her lips curled slightly.

“I suppose it was a tiring day for you too?” Marlene asked so silence wouldn’t make the atmosphere awkward.

“Hmm.” Dorcas just gave a nod but said nothing.

Marlene couldn’t help but curl her lips. She took a deep breath and ignored the noise of her heart. At least she tried to ignore it. 

When they got to the Fat Lady’s portrait, Mary said the password _Infinitum_ , and they all went inside.

They nodded to several people sitting in the common room and then walked into the dormitory. Lily fell back because a girl - perhaps a second year - was calling for her.

***

It took Marlene only three days to get used to the busy schedule again. It delighted her that she could get more fit before she started her Quidditch training again. After losing the last game against Hufflepuff, she was sure that James would step up practice and when she saw the schedule in the locker room, she noted that she had been right. At the request of the team, the practice time was extended from five hours a week to seven hours a week. Increased training hours were no problem for her. Quidditch was one of the few things she really wanted to do. Though she wasn’t as obsessed as James, Marlene loved every minute she spent on her broomstick. 

The first practice of the term was starting in about twenty minutes. She took the hair tie on the nightstand by her bed and turned to Lily and Dorcas, sitting on the side of one of the beds, looking at magazines. As always before practice and matches, she was going to ask Dorcas to braid her hair, but she stopped herself just as she was about to step towards the two. 

She could do it on her own. 

She wouldn’t even bother doing her hair on the regular school days. She didn’t have to 'deal' with hair, anyhow. Marlene would let her straight, thin, voluminous blonde hair fall over her shoulders. If she wanted a difference, she would throw back the hair in front with one of her colourful bandanas. The reason she didn’t spend time doing her hair was not that she didn’t care about her looks, she just thought it didn’t look good, no matter what she did. 

After braiding her hair in a way that she was sure looked awful from behind, she called the owner of the gaze she felt on her as she stepped out of the bathroom to get her protective glasses.

“The back of your hair looks weird. I could’ve done it for you.” Dorcas said. 

_Where is Lily?_

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll fix it.” Said Marlene, when she grabbed her glasses and headed for the door.

“I can fix it if you need.” She closed the magazine in front of her.

“No need, I’m going to be late.” She said and added before she left the door. “Thank you though.” Without waiting to hear if Dorcas had something to say, she smiled at her, waved a hand, and left the room. 

Actually, she was not late, she just had nothing to say to her. Besides, there was nothing relevant to say anyway. 

_‘I didn’t ask you to braid my hair because I get excited when you touch me, even though I know your touches mean nothing but friendly intimacy.’_

She laughed at this foolish thought. 

Marlene was not in love with Dorcas. The reason she tried to stay away from her was so that she didn’t want her feelings for Dorcas to become any stronger. She believed that someday, she could put these unacceptable feelings aside, somehow get rid of them, because she couldn’t love her best friend in that way. Who knew what Dorcas would think if she found out about this? The thought of it frightened Marlene. She didn’t even want to think about losing Dorcas’ friendship. 

When she entered the Quidditch area, she went to the locker room and grabbed her broom. James was already talking to team members about the upcoming game. Marlene carried her broom with her and moved over to her teammates. She stopped somewhere behind them. In order not to distract anyone, she remained silent and only gave nods to those who noticed her. Ali was one of those who noticed, he gave a nod and smiled at Marlene before turning his back to her. There was no flirtatiousness in his smile. There seemed to be no other reason behind it then politeness.

Her eyes fell on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, which had just finished their practice and stood a few meters away from them. They were the winners of last year’s Quidditch Cup, and the second match of this period was going to be between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. She watched the Ravenclaw team captain Jocelyn Canis, who was in the same year as Marlene, say something to her team members. She could only hear her saying ‘See you on Thursday morning’.

Jocelyn was taller than Marlene. She had an athletic appearance. She was blonde like Marlene, but unlike Marlene, her hair was fluffy, heavily wavy and her skin was not a pinkish white like Marlene’s. The two of them were acquaintances. They had spoken several times when they met on the field or in the Great Hall, but that was it. Just like this year, she had been a prefect and captain of the Quidditch team last year. Marlene could more or less recall Lily saying positive things about her. 

When the team left the field, she turned her head, as if she felt Marlene looking at her. When their eyes met, Jocelyn gave a sincere smile. Marlene nodded back with a small smile playing on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that the chapter is short but don't worry, the next chapters will be longer :)
> 
> PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!! XX 
> 
> (you can find me on tiktok under @itslevihoesa)


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